I can’t believe the “I Have Something to Say” series ends tonight. Back in July I never could have dreamed how much it could have touched me. It has been such a blessing. And not only to me! I have had so many people reach out to me about the pieces these amazing women have shared. I am so proud to call them friends and family of mine. And I am SO blown away by their abilities as writers. I have been drawn to my computer writing so many of the pieces again and again and again. So without further ado, here is this week’s piece and the final piece in this series – Joy Will Come Again, a post by my best friend, Cara.
My husband and I met, dated, got engaged and married within a year. Like many couples, we thought we’d start a family when we were ready and when it made sense. Growing up I never saw myself as a career woman. I wanted to have babies and be a stay-at-home mom. I’m the youngest of four kids and I’ve watched 8 (soon to be 9) children, over the past 13 years, be brought into this world through my siblings. So, when my husband and I started trying and got a positive pregnancy test within a couple months, I was thrilled!
I started picturing what life would be like with a baby and who he or she would look like. I was already so in love with the little life forming in my womb. Just a couple weeks later we lost that precious little life. Three more times since then we have seen a beautiful positive pregnancy test only to lose those precious lives all too soon as well.
It’s almost comical to think back on our first year of marriage and how careful we were to avoid getting pregnant because we weren’t ready yet. How naïve I was thinking how much control I had over the happenings in my life. This is when it really all started for me I think, the control. I was stricken with fear over trying to get pregnant again, but even more afraid of the alternative of never being able to hold one of our babies in my arms on this side of eternity. I started doing basal body temping, taking ovulation tests, charting all of this on my phone, trying different doctors, asking questions, doing research. Not that these are bad things in and of themselves, but I was slowly being crippled by the need to have control over this part of my life. Through each of our losses I was gripped by fear. I went into a deep state of depression; had anxiety and panic attacks. I didn’t trust my body and couldn’t understand why it was betraying me. We went through testing and procedures and nearly everything came back normal or was “easy” to fix.
This has been a long and painful two years. I don’t think I’ve really experienced hardship before this part of our lives, and while I’m thankful for that, I’m also thankful for the trials.
“Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory.” -1 Peter 1:8
You see, I grew up knowing who God was, but I didn’t know God personally. When I joined a new church in the new city where I was living I started to hear the gospel for the first time and I started learning who Jesus was. Friends, I have been in some of the darkest moments of my life these past two years, but these dark places are where Jesus met me. He met me in my tears, He met me in my weakness, He met me in my husband who has loved me in unthinkable ways.
- I sought the Lord and he answered me and delivered me from all of my fears. (7). The angel of Lord encamps around those who fear him, and deliver them. -Psalms 34:4, 7
Over the past year or so there has been a verse I have repeated to myself hundreds of times “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. –James 1:2-4” These trials have tested me and they have slowly but surely produced steadfastness. The Father has held me tight, even when I didn’t know how to turn to him. He has comforted me even when I didn’t know how to ask. He has suffered with me through this and has felt every ache from my soul.
- Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh but made alive in the spirit. -1 Peter 3:18
Maybe you’re in one of those dark places right now. Or maybe you know someone who is and is struggling to find joy. Joy will come again, “The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit. –Psalm 34:18” The Lord is near and He can carry you through this. My relationship with God has grown immensely because He has shown me who I am in Him, not in who I thought I was meant to be. The control and fear that once seemed so tightly wound around me has loosened its nasty grip and God has shown me He is in control and that I can trust Him.
Cara and her husband are celebrating 3 years of marriage in November 2017! They also began the journey to adopt their first child in February of this year and are so excited to meet the child God brings to them! They stay active with their friends, church and their sweet puppy, Oliver! Cara also loves to craft and hopes to start her own Etsy business in the near future.