I Wish I Missed It…

It’s been about two months now since Adalynn stop breastfeeding… and I don’t miss it.

And I wish I did.

I am carrying some guilt around because of it and I keep reminding myself to drop it for good.

When Adalynn was born I pictured this magical moment where’d she’d be laying on my bare chest and latch immediately, both of us snuggling and bonding. NOPE. She came out and couldn’t even be placed on my chest because the umbilical cord was wrapped around my placenta (or so other medical explanation that sounds better and more accurate than that). She was screaming, facedown on my lower abdomen. When I finally had her on my chest, she continued screaming, and she wouldn’t latch. She was slightly hysterical so her mouth just stayed open. I thought, that’s okay, we’ll try again in a bit. Fast forward, two days, more screaming and crying (the screaming from her, the crying from me). I was beginning to get frustrated but trying to stay strong. The doctors all disagreed about her tongue tie (how bad it was, whether it needed to be snipped, if she even had one!!!), she still wouldn’t latch, and the screaming continued. Seriously she didn’t cry when she was trying to learn to nurse, she screamed hysterically. Fast forward another day and I’m now officially the proud owner of a nipple shield. (Sorry to any of the men that may be reading) I wasn’t happy about it but after about a day she was KIND OF getting the hang of it! A few days later, nursing was going okay, but I was having intense pain…a month later, she was still nursing from the shield (great but ugh), I was still in pain. Meetings with lactation consultants, video after video on YouTube, online forums with other mamas, there was almost constantly discomfort and breastfeeding never felt 100% wonderful for 13 months.

I loved moments we experienced together while I was nursing her but I don’t think I ever grew to love breastfeeding. I love the wonderful things it did for my daughter’s development, I love all the snuggling we did, I love the fact that she truly deeply needed me and I love that no one else could provide for her like me, her mama. But I never loved breastfeeding.

I was completely worn out come month 13 and between her getting teeth and losing interest, I knew it wasn’t going to last much longer. I wanted to cry the last time she nursed but I was too happy to be done with such a grueling journey. It pains me to say that, and hope she doesn’t read these words one day and have her heart broken, because I would do it again, every single bit of it, if I had to choose again.

Looking back I wish I’d written down the date she last nursed, but I can’t beat myself up about that because at the time I just needed to be done and know that that was okay.

I am incredibly proud of what my body was able to provide for her for 13 months, more than a year of her life, and how strong I was in the trying time.

I am filled with love when I think of the wee hours of the morning while the rest of the world slept and it was just her and I, her asleep in my arms from just filling her body with milk and love.

And like I said, if I had to go back and choose, I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat, but right now I just don’t miss it.

 

 

11 thoughts on “I Wish I Missed It…

  1. heart, home and hope says:

    What a beautiful testimony and so refreshing to me! I did not have problems with breastfeeding, but I never felt “attached” to it like other mothers always would describe. I too was hardly sad when she weaned around 12 months. I’m thankful to hear another mom voice similar sentiments. We aren’t crazy! I too am thankful for the times we did it. But I’m also content to be in a new season. But major kudos to you for all you overcame! You’re a champ!

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    • Chelsea McKinney says:

      Your post was so comforting and justifying and uplifting to me!!! It was so hard to hear about these “beautiful and wonderful” experiences alllll these other mothers were having and here I was like “I’m not really enjoying this” and feeling awful about it! Even now that I’m no longer breastfeeding, it’s so reassuring to hear that others feel the way that I do/did. And thank you so much for the kind words. I hope everything is going well with your new little one! And no, I’m not talking about breastfeeding. I mean I do hope it’s going great, but if not, that’s okay, but you know that! Xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. busylittleizzy says:

    You did a great job! My goal was 12 months but I dried up at 11.5 months. It hurt I couldn’t hit my goal, but I knew I did my best. 8 had some freezer milk but transitioned her quicker to full time milk than I thought.

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  3. Angela Kim says:

    Thanks for sharing your story. This is how I felt after nursing my first child for over a year and I was so happy that chapter was over. My first daughter wouldn’t take the bottle and wouldnt even take solids much so it was so hard trying to feed her by myself. With my second one, I was so worried the same will happen so I stopped breastfeeding after about 4 months. I wanted to control it myself I guess. I”m currently feeding my third and enjoying it a lot for the first time. I dont enjoy all the late night feedings and wish my husband can do it sometimes but for now, I plan to go as long as I can. 🙂 you did great mama, 13 months is a long time!! You deserve a huge pat on the back and a giant glass of wine. ☺️

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    • Chelsea McKinney says:

      Thank you for taking the time to read! And to comment! I love how persistent you’ve been and that you’re attempting again with your third baby. So glad to hear this time is more enjoyable for you. You’re awesome! And yea, those late night feedings are no joke! You got this! Also, thanks for your kind words. I will gladly accept that giant glass of wine! 😉

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  4. ohthatsmomsense says:

    That’s totally ok! Breastfeeding isn’t for everyone. It’s so amazing that you last that long considering the fact that it wasn’t really your thing. You FED your daughter and that’s all that matters! Great job mama! I hope that I can last a bit longer with my second. I stopped nursing my first born at 7 1/2months.

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    • Chelsea McKinney says:

      Thank you for your kind words Lucy! The 7.5 months with your first is definitely something to be proud of, but I’ll be rooting you on when baby comes that you can meet whatever goal you set! And even if you don’t, you’re still a rockstar! I hope the final months of this pregnancy are treating you well ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Dani Colding says:

    Chelsea,
    I can totally relate. Breastfeeding is so hard and so beautiful. I am in owe when people have a baby that latches on perfectly from the beginning. You should give your self lots of grace because 13 months is a major accomplishment. I was not eager to breastfeed at all, and most of the one I EP bc of latching issues. But I find myself dreaming Of the day it will be all over. When I am not a human-cow milk factory and can not be glued to the darn bump, until then I am trying to enjoy my sweet bond with my baby. Thanks for sharing your journey and keeping it real!

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    • Chelsea McKinney says:

      Thank you so much for reading and for your sweet comment! You said it perfectly! It is so hard and so beautiful! And yes, me too! I thought all babies just latched right now and everything was perfect and wonderful! Haha nope! You totally rock for EP! I pumped every night for about two months (once during the night) but the monotony of it was enough to drive me insane! And yes, thank goodness for these sweet babies to love on and bond with to make every bit of it worth. Your little man is so dang cute, by the way!

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