Welcome back! As I typed out this post last week I learned that I’d come to “realize” way too many things about motherhood, thus Part 1 and Part 2 were born. I had some pretty hilarious responses to Part 1 and hope to at the very least meet your expectations with this one as well! Once again, enjoy a list of the realizations I’ve had lately now that I am a mother:
My daughter’s appearance is more important than mine.
She is always dressed in a cute outfit with a coordinating bow. She is
almost always freshly bathed. Me, on the other hand? Former Mrs. Shower Everyday, Don’t Leave The House Without My Hair Straightened….Bahahhaha! I don’t even know that woman anymore. I’m lucky if I wash my hair two or three times a week. And when I do, ain’t nobody got time for anything but a ponytail. Which is actually convenient since my sweet daughter wants to rip out every strand of my hair anyway.
I could literally kill someone with my own two hands.
Come near my child in a harmful manner, in any way, shape, or form, and you would rather be face to face with a ravenous gorilla. Literally.
Speaking of primates, I know what it’s like to dress a baby monkey.
Well maybe a baby monkey that just took speed. Dressing and diapering a baby once they become mobile should be considered an Olympic sport. One foot in the air, the other in her mouth, one hand grabbing her shirt, one hand grabbing my face, the top half of her body is face down, the bottom half is falling off the back of the changing table. Kicking, arching, flailing every. single. direction. She is laughing then crying then peeing. Gold medal my friends, I’m writing the International Olympic Committee tomorrow.
Nothing is too gross for a mommy.
Nevermind, that’s a lie, almost nothing. Her nostrils scare me less than I thought they would, her butt scares me more.
My dog doesn’t care about the baby stroller.
We were on a walk the other day and another person with a dog was about to walk by. My bright idea was to block my nosey dog’s view of the other dog with the stroller. Wrong! My dog just plows into the side of the stroller until he almost knocked it down so that he could get to the other dog. At this point I’m pissed, my baby is terrified, and my idiotic dog is still pulling because he has yet to get to the other said dog. “Blocking his view” did absolutely nothing but create more of a problem.
Carrying a baby laden carseat is a workout.
14 lbs of child + 8 lbs of carseat = 973 lbs
Forgetfulness is a true epidemic some days.
Did I feed the dogs? Am I supposed to be somewhere right now? Did we put the trash cans out? What did I come downstairs for? Which bill was I supposed to pay today? Did I flush the toilet before I came out of the bathroom? Where did I put the remote? Did I really just put milk in the pantry? Are there clothes in the washer? Why isn’t the dustpan where it’s supposed to be? Did I brush my teeth??
Kegel exercises may or may not work.
I don’t think any elaboration is necessary on this one.
I get way too excited when my husband and I are invited to things.
Being a stay-at-home mom doesn’t leave much room for adult interaction. I get downright giddy when we are invited to things because I get to be a real adult again. Even kids’ birthday parties excite me because adults will be present. I cried once when John and I were invited to a dinner party that we couldn’t make it to. Cried.
And last, but most certainly not least…..My heart could literally burst on a daily basis –
– from fear and excitement to happiness, pride and pure, raw, gut-wrenching love. Yes, yes all mom’s say “you’ve never known love until you’re a mom” and while I honestly got so sick of hearing it while I was pregnant, it is so, so true!